Itinerary

Only public diamond mine on Earth. Dig in a 37-acre plowed field, keep what you find. Over 35,000 diamonds found since 1972, including the 40.23-carat Uncle Sam — largest ever unearthed in the US. $10 entry. Bring your own tools or rent. Get there at opening for the best freshly-plowed ground.

Reconstructed Caddo village with an active archaeological dig site. Hands-on, small admission. Worth 30-45 minutes if you're already in Murfreesboro.

47 Class AAA campsites with full hookups plus 5 walk-in tent sites. Camp where you dig. Not a bad move if you want to hit the field at first light.

Mysterious light that appears along old railroad tracks in the woods at night. Locals have seen it for over 100 years, no agreed explanation. Free, bring a flashlight. Genuinely creepy and cool — best after dark. 30 min south of Crater.

511 Texas St. Bill met Ned on the Amtrak California Zephyr in 2015 — three days on a cross-country train, four meals together, and a friendship that stuck. Visited for Christmas 2020 and had a blast. Ned was mayor of Jefferson, championed the Big Cypress Bayou restoration, then spent decades on the school board. Lives on the river with wife Susan. The kind of person who makes you understand why people love small-town Texas. Overdue for round three.

Only natural lake in Texas. Massive bald cypress swamp — Spanish moss, boat tours weaving through ancient trees. Feels more like Louisiana bayou than Texas. Rent a kayak or take a guided boat tour to really get into the channels.

"Most haunted house in Texas." 1861 home, subject of countless paranormal investigations. Guided tours — the stories are well-told and genuinely creepy.

1888 railcar from an actual robber baron, just parked on the street. Gould's railroad bypassed Jefferson and killed the town's steamboat economy. The car is a weird monument to the guy who ruined the place.

90-minute lantern-lit tour through dark alleyways and courtyards. 24 years running, led by local historian Jodi Breckenridge. The Bessie Moore murder story (1877) is genuinely unsettling. Nightly — the stories are worth it.

Operating since the 1870s. Soda fountain, pralines, old-timey candy. The building itself is a time capsule.

Natural spring-fed pool in Zilker Park, 68°F year-round. Locals treat this like church. Go in the afternoon when the sun hits the water.

Good food, weird shops, pure Austin vibe. The 'I Love You So Much' mural at Jo's Coffee is here — hit it early morning for no crowds.

Bars, live music pouring out of every door, the full Austin experience. Rainey is the more curated vibe; Dirty 6th is the chaos.

Pre-order online to skip the 3-5 hour line. If you don't pre-order, go on a weekday and bring lawn chairs + a cooler of beer. The line IS the experience. Worth doing once.

Joe Rogan's club. Kill Tony May 11 (Monday). Signup at Pour Choices, 6:30-7:30 PM — bring valid photo ID and 60 seconds of prepared material. Put your name on the clipboard then wait at Shakespeare's Pub or Sunset Strip next door. 21+, 2-drink minimum. Show sells out for audience too — get there early.

Open mic Sundays 10 PM. Email signup: creekandcaveopenmic@gmail.com (Mon-Fri, full name). Where the serious Austin comics work out new material. Good for watching even if you don't go up.

Partially owned by Brian Redban (Kill Tony producer). Open mics almost every day. This is where Austin comics workshop material. If Bill wants to sharpen his 60 seconds before Monday, do sets here Wed-Sun.

1.5 million Mexican free-tailed bats emerge at sunset — largest urban bat colony in North America. May is prime season. Free. Get there 30 min before sunset (~8:15 PM). Stand on the bridge or watch from kayaks on Lady Bird Lake below. This is one of the great wildlife spectacles in America.

Little Longhorn Saloon, every Sunday. A chicken walks around a bingo card and wherever it poops, that number wins. Live music, cold beer, genuine Austin weirdness. Free entry. 5434 Burnet Rd. May 11 is Sunday — afternoon bingo + evening Kill Tony = perfect day.

A 60-ton, multi-story structure made entirely of junk in a guy's backyard. Free but call ahead for access (512-299-7413). 4422 Lareina Dr. Truly bizarre.

Live sketch comedy and political satire on 6th Street since 1977. Austin's answer to SNL — audience-interactive bits and a glass wall behind the stage showing 6th Street chaos in real-time. Thursday-Saturday shows. Bill would love this.

Gas station bakery in West, TX that makes the best kolaches in Texas. Every Texan knows this place. Sausage-and-cheese kolache + fruit kolache = the perfect road snack. Right off I-35 between Waco and Austin. Hit it on the drive in from Jefferson.

Free to walk around even without a concert — massive red sandstone formations, gorgeous acoustics you can feel. Check if anything's playing May 11-12 (Yungblud is May 11).

Murals, breweries, really good food. Walk it and hit 2-3 spots: Ratio Beerworks (huge beer garden, BBQ trucks), Our Mutual Friend (local ingredients, Pit Fiend BBQ on patio), Great Divide (Denver's oldest, 19 medals). The RiNo brewery walk is the move.

2h north — if time allows, worth it. May is prime for bighorn sheep at Sheep Lakes (near-daily sightings), elk in meadows, and moose in wetlands. Trail Ridge Road may not be open yet (usually late May).

90,000 sq ft immersive art installation — walk through portals into alien worlds, black-light forests, cosmic laundromats. QPASS (RFID card) turns it into an interactive quest. Budget 3-4 hours minimum. This is essential for Bill.

1226 15th St. Denver's premier club since 1981 — Chris Rock, Chappelle, everyone has played here. New Talent Night: Tuesdays 7:30 PM, $10. 2-4 minute sets. Signup at nts.comedyworks.com. If Bill arrives Denver May 11 (Monday), Tuesday May 12 is the night. Fresh off Kill Tony momentum.

Right on the Continental Divide, free, drive-up, insane views. Snow in May is almost guaranteed. The air is thin — don't sprint anywhere.

11,013 ft — going literally under the Continental Divide on the highway. You don't stop here, you just appreciate the engineering while you drive through.

12-mile canyon on I-70, cliffs 1,800 ft above the Colorado River. One of the most stunning interstate drives anywhere. 12 miles of paved bike path through it too — rent bikes in Glenwood Springs if you want more than a drive-through.

Emerald lake tucked in a cliff, 3-mile hike, need a permit (book ahead at recreation.gov). Worth the advance planning.

Free natural mineral hot spring right on the Crystal River near Carbondale. No signs, no facilities, no fee. Look for the wide shoulder at mile marker 55 on Highway 133. Fits 10-12 people, 2 feet deep. CAUTION: May is spring runoff — pools may be flooded by the river. Check conditions before making the 50-min detour from I-70. Worth it if accessible.

The legendary gunfighter died in Glenwood Springs in 1887. His grave is on a hillside above town, reached by a short but steep trail. The marker says 'He died in bed' — the most ironic epitaph in the Old West. Free.

Ski towns, still beautiful in May, possible snow at elevation. Breckenridge has the Isak Heartstone Troll — 15-foot wooden troll sculpture by a Danish artist, made from recycled materials, hidden in the woods near the Riverwalk Center. Free.

2,000+ natural sandstone arches. Delicate Arch hike is the one — start 2 hrs before sunset, bring headlamps for the walk back. The arch glows fiery red at sunset. Timed entry required — book at recreation.gov well ahead.

Colorado River bending through a 1,000-ft canyon. Arrive 30 min before sunrise — the river meander turns gold. This is the shot that will make Mia's entire trip. $20 entry. Also a certified Dark Sky Park.

Island in the Sky district — massive canyon views. Mesa Arch at sunrise is one of the most photographed views in the entire park system. The underside of the arch glows orange from reflected light. Get there 45 min early, it'll be crowded, it's still worth it.

3-mile RT hike to an arch BIGGER than most arches in Arches National Park, but with a fraction of the crowds. No timed entry, no reservation, free (BLM land). Includes scrambling up slickrock with cables and ladders. The arch spans 140 feet wide, 105 feet tall. Go at sunset for the best light. Trailhead off Potash Road, 10 min from Moab.

Some of the tallest freestanding rock towers in North America. Off Highway 128 (the scenic Colorado River road), 21 miles east of Moab. 4.4-mile RT trail. Best at sunset when the towers glow deep red. There's a photography turnout built specifically for this shot. Free.

Ancient rock art panels visible from the road — petroglyphs, pictographs, and dinosaur tracks. The road itself follows the Colorado River and is stunning. Free. Also the route to the Corona Arch trailhead.

Thousands of mushroom-shaped rocks in the desert — looks like another planet. Deeply surreal. Worth the detour between Moab and Bryce. Goblin Valley yurts (2 available) have heat/AC and beds for 5 — book months ahead at reserveamerica.com or call 1-800-322-3770. Also Bortle Class 2 dark sky — one of the best Milky Way spots on Earth.

Custom horseback rides through Professor Valley — creek crossings, Colorado River views, open range riding. The landscape here is John Wayne country: red cliffs, cottonwood-lined trails. This is a must for Mia. Book ahead at moabhorses.com.

Breakfast spot that locals actually go to. Good pastries, strong coffee. Don't skip this.

Rappel into slot canyons with no experience needed (beginner trips). Something you literally cannot do in most places on Earth. Moab Adventure Center or Red River Adventures are reputable outfitters.

Walk DOWN into the canyon on the Navajo Loop, not just the rim views. Sunrise at Sunrise Point is the shot — hoodoos catch first light and glow orange/pink against deep blue shadows. May sunrise ~6:07 AM, get there by 5:45. 7,500-9,000 ft elevation, possible frost at night. Gold Tier International Dark Sky Park.

Rated one of the most beautiful drives in America. Capitol Reef to Bryce Canyon. The Hogsback section runs along a knife-edge ridge with drop-offs on BOTH sides — no guardrails. Non-negotiable.

ONLY outfitter authorized inside Bryce Canyon. Ride DOWN among the hoodoos on horseback — completely unique experience on Earth. 1.5-hour ride ~$85 (ages 7+), 3-hour complete canyon tour ~$125 (ages 10+). Book at canyonrides.com. May is peak season, these sell out. THIS IS THE MIA SPECIAL.

Research-grade telescopes, 45-min multimedia show + 90-min telescope session. Constellation tours with laser pointers, zero-gravity recliner chairs under the Milky Way. Near Bryce Canyon (west side). New moon May 16 makes this PERFECT. Book at darkrangertelescopetours.com. The single best stargazing experience on the trip.

6-mile RT hike to a 126-foot waterfall in the desert. One of the best waterfalls in the Southwest. Trailhead at Calf Creek Recreation Area, 15 miles east of Escalante on Byway 12. The stop most people skip and shouldn't.

Vivid red rock formations right off the road, 10 min before Bryce. Free. Short hikes through hoodoo-like formations. Good warm-up and less crowded than Bryce. Great way to ease Mia into the landscape.

Wade through a slot canyon with 1,000-foot walls, knee-deep in the Virgin River. Water temp 50-55°F — rent dry pants, neoprene socks, and canyoneering shoes from Zion Outfitter. May is spring runoff — check NPS conditions page before going. First shuttle (7 AM) gets you in before the crowds; by 10 AM it's a traffic jam.

Chains section, requires permit (lottery). Stunning views but exposed heights. If you don't get a permit, Observation Point via East Mesa Trail gives you BETTER views with no permit needed.

1-mile RT trail right after the tunnel on the east side of Zion. Short, stunning views over Pine Creek Canyon, and most people skip it because they're racing to the main canyon. Best in morning light. Free with park entry.

The back door that locals know. Access from outside the park via Zion Ponderosa Ranch Road. 6.5 miles RT, moderate, and the views are BETTER than Angels Landing — with a fraction of the crowds and no chains. No permit needed.

Kanab, UT — the nation's LARGEST no-kill animal sanctuary. 1,600 animals on 5,800 acres in Angel Canyon. Free guided tours (1.5 hours, four per day starting 8 AM). Includes Horse Haven, Dogtown, Cat World, Bunny House, Parrot Garden, pig sanctuary. THIS IS THE MIA SPECIAL. She will lose her mind here. You can also volunteer for a shift. Book a tour at bestfriends.org/sanctuary. 40 min east of Zion.

Southwestern food with canyon views in Springdale. The tamales and the ribeye are both worth it. Best meal in Springdale. Reservations recommended.

Most popular campground in Zion, fills up months out. Book at recreation.gov the day reservations open.

Where Pluto was discovered in 1930 by Clyde Tombaugh. Still an active research facility. Arrive mid-afternoon for exhibits and see the actual telescope Tombaugh used, stay through dark for stargazing through research-grade telescopes. Open noon-10 PM on Sundays (May 18). Dyer Telescope premium access available for no-wait private stargazing.

Historic Route 66 runs right through downtown along Santa Fe Avenue — the actual road, not a tourist recreation. Vintage neon signs, Hotel Monte Vista (1927, supposedly haunted), walkable strip with genuine character. Great at dusk when the neon comes on.

Route 66 themed. Tower Station IPA is Arizona's #1 selling IPA. Dog-friendly, book library, board games. Chill vibes.

Downtown, wood-fired pizzas, unique sandwiches. Local institution.

The morning coffee spot. Locally roasted, European-style. Strong opinions, strong coffee.

Volcanic cinder cone that erupted ~900 years ago, 12 miles north of Flagstaff. Walk through actual hardened lava fields on the Lava Flow Trail (1-mile loop). Surreal black landscape. Loop road connects to Wupatki pueblo ruins. $25/vehicle covers both (or America the Beautiful pass).

Ancient Sinagua cliff dwellings tucked into a limestone canyon, 800 years old, shockingly intact. Island Trail descends via 273 steps, passes 25+ cliff dwellings you can look right into. 10 miles from Flagstaff, 1.5-2 hours. $25/vehicle or America the Beautiful pass.

Route 66 roadhouse since 1931. Originally a taxidermy museum built by lumberjacks in the world's biggest log cabin. Became a legendary honky-tonk — Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Bob Wills all played here. Live country most nights, walk-in. Also allegedly haunted. This place has LAYERS.

Classic first view of the Grand Canyon. Sweeping panorama, large viewing area. Get here for sunrise (~5:25 AM in May) — the canyon wakes up in layers of gold and shadow.

3-mile RT hike below the rim to the first resthouse with shade and seasonal water. Good turnaround point for a taste of the inner canyon without a full-day commitment. Start before 7 AM — inner canyon hits 90-100F by midday. Carry 2 liters water minimum.

Up to 13 miles of paved, mostly flat trail along the rim. Shuttle access throughout. Perfect for photography without going below the rim. Accessible and gorgeous.

70-foot stone watchtower built in 1932 by architect Mary Colter, inspired by ancient Puebloan towers. Hand-painted murals by Hopi artist Fred Kabotie inside. Some of the best and widest views in the park — Colorado River visible. Free with park entry. Upper floors open 8:20 AM-4:40 PM, max 25 at a time. Incredibly photogenic at golden hour.

About 90 condors live in the Grand Canyon area — among the rarest birds on Earth, 9.5-foot wingspan, North America's largest flying land bird. May is prime viewing (April-September). Look at Yavapai Point, Yaki Point, and Bright Angel area in late afternoon when they pick roosts. Flat wing profile when soaring (turkey vultures hold a V). Look for numbered wing tags with binoculars.

Panoramic windows overlooking the canyon with geology exhibits that explain what you're looking at. Free with park entry. Good orientation stop before hiking. Both sunrise and sunset viewing areas.

Best-kept secret on the South Rim. Flat, easy 1-mile walk through ponderosa pines to a secluded viewpoint with panoramic views. Picnic areas, shelters. Most tourists never find it. Small dirt pulloff on Desert View Drive. May be reserved for private events some days — if a barrier blocks the road, try another day.

Walk it, gawk at it, maybe grab a cheap buffet. You're here to sleep, not to gamble away the road trip budget. $50-100 for a Strip-adjacent hotel on a weeknight.

32-mile drive through old-growth redwoods, the tallest trees on Earth. Cathedral-like light shafts in early morning — best photo light 7-9 AM when sun angles through the canopy. Stop at Founder's Grove (0.5-mi loop, some of the tallest redwoods). The silence is eerie and perfect.

50-foot walls covered entirely in ferns. Filming location for Jurassic Park: The Lost World. Walk through a narrow gorge with miniature waterfalls — 1-mile easy trail. Access via unpaved Davison Road from Orick (any car can do it). May 1-Sep 30 requires $12 day-use permit. Waterproof shoes recommended — you wade through the creek. When the sun penetrates the canyon around 10-11 AM, light beams hit the fern walls. Magical.

Largest remaining old-growth redwood forest on Earth. Short walks from roadside pulloffs along Avenue of the Giants. The distance from the main road means less traffic noise — eerily silent except for birds. The oldest trees are 2,000+ years old, 350+ feet tall. The scale is incomprehensible until you're there. Free.

315-foot living redwood with a tunnel carved through its base. Classic road trip photo. Near the south end of Avenue of the Giants in Leggett.

Horseback tours through the actual redwood forest from Orick Rodeo Grounds. Family-owned. Goose Pen Ride (1.5 hrs, ~$70), Majestic Ride (2 hrs, ~$100), or THE PICNIC RIDE (4 hrs, ~$125) — trek through ancient old-growth with lunch under the trees included. The picnic ride may be the single best horse experience of the entire trip. Photo inside a giant redwood ON your horse. Book at redwoodcreekbuckarettes.com.

Blufftop camping over the ocean, tide pools, dramatic coastal trails. Trinidad Head Trail nearby — short hike with panoramic Pacific views.

Tiny fishing village, very peaceful. Moonstone Beach nearby for beachcombing agates and moonstones.

May 23-25, 2026 (Memorial Day Weekend). Human-powered, amphibious art vehicles racing 40+ miles from Arcata to Ferndale over land, water, sand, and mud. Started in 1969. One of the most delightfully weird events in California. Day 1 (Sat May 23) starts at Arcata Plaza. If you're still in Humboldt on May 23, this is unmissable.

The circus Bill performed in as a kid. 300+ performers and volunteers, 83rd season. Roy Coble Gymnasium, Redlands Family YMCA, 500 E Citrus Ave. Shows typically run first three weekends of May — call (909) 798-9622 to confirm if May 22-23 has performances. ~$22/ticket at front desk only.

1h south. Desert boulders, Joshua Trees against sunset are incredibly photogenic. Bortle Class 3 dark sky — May is prime Milky Way season. Worth at least a sunset drive-through.

Privately guided horseback trail riding INTO Joshua Tree National Park from Yucca Valley. Custom retreats on 13 secluded acres. Perfect for Mia — riding through Joshua Trees on horseback. Book at knobhillranch.com.

1h up the mountain, if we want one more nature day. Mountain lake, pines, a nice contrast after weeks of desert.